Writer's Blog

“THE FAMILY GIFT”

It was at the old man’s will reading where the shit really hit the fan. There were six kids in the family. Five of them had been sucking up to father for years. The sixth, Fanny, had been disowned years ago because she stopped being a good girl and coming whenever daddy snapped his fingers. That made her the black sheep, the bad seed, the ungrateful daughter. It gave all the others permission to dislike her and heave all the family blame her way. When Mother died, it was Fanny’s fault for not taking care of her. The younger brothers dropped out of school – Fanny had neglected them. She selfishly paid her own way through college rather than loan her lazy older brother money to save his latest get rich business scheme. And so it went through her whole life. 

Finally in his nineties after spending his life sucking the soul and self esteem from all his kids the old man croaked. Everyone breathed a sigh of relief. Except Fanny. She never asked for anything and was never disappointed and never owed him anything. Which really must have pissed him off right down to his cold heart. He was a mean son of a bitch to the end but it didn’t stop the five from gathering round his knees, come when he called and bow their heads to his admonishments and backhanded praise throughout their lives.

Fanny didn’t go to the will reading. She would have been shocked if he’d left her so much as a penny. She didn’t think any of them would get anything. The family joke was he’d write himself a check and take it to the grave which made them all the more eager to stay on what might laughingly have been called his good side. But they were wrong. Father played a cruel joke on them all. He gave each of them one hundred dollars and the balance of his fortune to Fanny knowing that they would all crawl to her doorstep, pleading, begging, demanding and threatening her for a ‘rightful’ share of the inheritance and drive her completely bonkers while pissing them off. Six birds with one stone. 

This was a man who fed his desires to the full: a private plane, good clothes, mistress, expensive vacations, while his wife and kids got by on powdered milk, mac and cheese and hand me downs. As soon as she could earn babysitting money, Fanny spent it on underwear and other essentials that weren’t provided. She practically raised her two much younger brothers because mother was too feeble so that she grew up only having time for studies, looking after her brothers and any part-time work she could get. Her only sister was much older and had gone her own way years before. Fanny was the only girl among four selfish and out of control boys. After she remarried, she was banished from their lives for screwing up her terrible first marriage. The years passed with not much communication and the occasional call from her older sister Jean, salting old wounds and jealousies. When father died, it had been twenty years since she’d laid eyes on any of them – at their mother’s funeral.

But before the executor of the estate could give her a call, Frank Jr. was on the porch ringing her bell. He had his mousy wife, Rita, in tow and pictures of their daughter who was by then in her thirties starting a family of her own.

“Fanny, it has been too long!” Frank announced as he pushed past and into her house. He was almost white haired, clean shaved with a jutting sharp chin, hawkish eyes and a down turned mouth. The lines on his face betrayed a lifetime of scowling. “You have a beautiful home,” he said caustically. 

“Hello, Frank. What brings you this far north?” Fanny asked with a smile. At 70, Fanny’s hair was white as well and cut to her shoulders. Her green eyes sparkled from a contented life well spent looking after own family and community. She wore no guilt or remorse. Her chin was a close copy of Franks but the lines in her cheeks turned up.

“You heard that father died, right?”

“And not a moment too soon. The old goat reached ninety-six, didn’t he?”

Frank coughed uncomfortably while Rita harumphed indignantly. “Have you no respect?”

“For him or you?” Fanny couldn’t help herself. A lifetime had passed and nothing had changed between them. “I’m sorry. You’ve come a long way. Can I offer you some tea or coffee?”

“Thanks,” Frank said. “That would be terrific.” 

They tumbled awkwardly into the kitchen and Fanny sat them down before preparing coffee and opening a box of cookies. “I heard from Jean that he died. He died to me decades ago. After he killed mother.”

“He did no such thing!” Rita exclaimed, her jowls quivering with disgust. “She died of-”

“He might as well have. She was a sad woman who lived in fear and poverty. The stroke was just a final nail.” Again, Fanny wondered how she could be so blunt with people she hadn’t seen in such a long time. No small talk, no reminiscing, no how do you dos, just straight to the train wreck that was their shared past. “How is Nicole? Did she attend college?”

“She is an accountant with a firm in Boston,” Frank beamed. “That’s one thing we did right.”

“Amen,” Fanny muttered. “Soooo…What brings you here today?”

“Father’s will,” Frank stated bluntly.

“Did he write a check to himself as we all thought?”

Frank looked at his fingers. “No. As a matter of fact, he left it all to you. Nine million and change.”

Fanny’s knees felt weak. “You are kidding, right?”

Frank shook his head. 

Rita barked, “You don’t deserve it. We’ve been there the whole time to look after him and where were you? Nowhere to be found, that’s where.”

“Did you say nine million dollars?”

Frank nodded. “That’s what the will said. We could contest it, tie it up for years but you don’t want that, do you? We all deserve a share, wouldn’t you say? Rita and I have a lot of debts and could sure use it. We are still paying off Nicole’s college and the house, you know we still live in Groton, well, the house needs a roof.”

“And Frank hasn’t been able to work because-” Rita cut in.

“What, did you break this time, Frankie? Your lazy bone?”

“That’s not fair. You know I_”

“Skip it. Let’s spend it all on legal fees,” Fanny said cheerfully. “That’ll make a whole slew of lawyers happy. I’ll talk to Miller and we’ll take it from there. His lawyer is still Jack Miller, right?”

Frank and Rita huffed and puffed but couldn’t budge her to even suggest she part with any. They left unsatisfied, just short of threatening her. Rita said as much over her shoulder as a parting shot.

So it went with all the others. Awkwardly showing up on her doorstep like long lost loves, wooing their poor misunderstood sister. And they all left meanly threatening some version of ‘fork it over or else’. It all made Fanny laugh. She and her husband, Sam, were not wealthy but comfortable enough. They gave the impression that the bulk would go to charity. But spending it on lawyers and costs sounded like a good second choice just to piss the siblings off. Father, looking up from the frozen wasteland of hell, was going to get his money’s worth.

In the end she told each one, “I will give it all to whoever can give me the one thing I would really like to have.”

“What is that?” They each asked without a pause for breath.

“You will have to figure that out.  I’ve written it down, sealed it and mailed it to Jack to open in six months. The money will go in escrow until then. You have that long. After that, you can all go visit father in hell.”

This threw the throng into the pow wow of the century. What could Fanny possibly want that millions of dollars couldn’t buy?

“Well, she did say she’d put the whole thing in escrow so she isn’t spending any of it on whatever it is.” That was Andrew, the youngest at forty-six years old, a full head of curly hair and a don’t fuck with me look permanently plastered on his face. “If we pool resources to give her whatever it is, then we can repay it out of the old man’s money and split the rest.”

Jean asked, all innocence and charm, “What if we made it a contest. We can each lay out what we want to make her offers. The winner pays off what we’ve each invested and keeps the balance.”

“Uh, I, uh, don’t know if I agree with that,” John said. He was the kindest of the lot but never had a chance to find himself among the clan. He just went along for the ride. “I uh, mean, what if we don’t have the resources to make any serious purchases.”

“Nothing says you can’t voluntarily pool together and split the proceeds,” Jean said. “But anyone can go it alone too.”

That caveat achieved consensus and the five siblings wrote an agreement, got it notarized and they all signed. It was the last they saw of each other for the full six months. Johnny teamed up with Andrew, as they were always close and did most things together. The other three, George, Jean and Frank talked their respective spouses into going it alone. There was nine million dollars at stake and a one in four chance of winning.

At the end of six months the five siblings had gone broke buying their exorbitant gifts for Fanny. She was the new owner of a great sailboat, a pair of round the world tickets, a fully paid domestic servant for 12 months, and a certificate as the donor of a generous sum to an animal charity of her choosing. The total cost: over two hundred thousand bucks. Each of these gifts was calibrated on what they remembered of Fanny in the distant past. She loved the sea, took care of stray animals and raised several dogs, collected travel brochures but never managed to get away, and lived surrounded by a mess that she used to complain she could never keep up with. One of them was bound to hit home and they were salivating to see which guess was closest. They were convinced that close would earn the cigar even if it wasn’t exact.

Gathered at the lawyer’s office on the day of the unveiling they were surprised and a bit apprehensive that Fanny and Sam weren’t there. The lawyer greeted them all and, noting their eager discomfort, rambled on a bit with small talk while fingering the well sealed folder. Finally, he said, “Well, let’s see who has the luck of the Irish.” and pulled the string through the cardboard strip of the sealed document envelope. Inside was a single letter envelope which he slit open with a pen knife. Unfolding the paper he read it to himself and with a slim smile and a shake of his head he tossed it out on the desk for them to read. 

They all jumped forward. Frank snatched it up and read aloud.

“An apology.”

 A Family Affair

It was at the old man’s will reading where the shit really hit the fan. There were six kids in the family. Five of them had been sucking up to father for years. The sixth, Fanny, had been disowned years ago because she stopped being a good girl and coming whenever daddy snapped his fingers. That made her the black sheep, the bad seed, the ungrateful daughter. It gave all the others permission to dislike her and heave all the family blame her way. When Mother died, it was Fanny’s fault for not taking care of her. The younger brothers dropped out of school – Fanny had neglected them. She selfishly paid her own way through college rather than loan her lazy older brother money to save his latest get rich business scheme. And so it went through her whole life. 

Finally in his nineties after spending his life sucking the soul and self esteem from all his kids the old man croaked. Everyone breathed a sigh of relief. Except Fanny. She never asked for anything and was never disappointed and never owed him anything. Which really must have pissed him off right down to his cold heart. He was a mean son of a bitch to the end but it didn’t stop the five from gathering round his knees, come when he called and bow their heads to his admonishments and backhanded praise throughout their lives.

Fanny didn’t go to the will reading. She would have been shocked if he’d left her so much as a penny. She didn’t think any of them would get anything. The family joke was he’d write himself a check and take it to the grave which made them all the more eager to stay on what might laughingly have been called his good side. But they were wrong. Father played a cruel joke on them all. He gave each of them one hundred dollars and the balance of his fortune to Fanny knowing that they would all crawl to her doorstep, pleading, begging, demanding and threatening her for a ‘rightful’ share of the inheritance and drive her completely bonkers while pissing them off. Six birds with one stone. 

This was a man who fed his desires to the full: a private plane, good clothes, mistress, expensive vacations, while his wife and kids got by on powdered milk, mac and cheese and hand me downs. As soon as she could earn babysitting money, Fanny spent it on underwear and other essentials that weren’t provided. She practically raised her two much younger brothers because mother was too feeble so that she grew up only having time for studies, looking after her brothers and any part-time work she could get. Her only sister was much older and had gone her own way years before. Fanny was the only girl among four selfish and out of control boys. After she remarried, she was banished from their lives for screwing up her terrible first marriage. The years passed with not much communication and the occasional call from her older sister Jean, salting old wounds and jealousies. When father died, it had been twenty years since she’d laid eyes on any of them – at their mother’s funeral.

But before the executor of the estate could give her a call, Frank Jr. was on the porch ringing her bell. He had his mousy wife, Rita, in tow and pictures of their daughter who was by then in her thirties starting a family of her own.

“Fanny, it has been too long!” Frank announced as he pushed past and into her house. He was almost white haired, clean shaved with a jutting sharp chin, hawkish eyes and a down turned mouth. The lines on his face betrayed a lifetime of scowling. “You have a beautiful home,” he said caustically. 

“Hello, Frank. What brings you this far north?” Fanny asked with a smile. At 70, Fanny’s hair was white as well and cut to her shoulders. Her green eyes sparkled from a contented life well spent looking after own family and community. She wore no guilt or remorse. Her chin was a close copy of Franks but the lines in her cheeks turned up.

“You heard that father died, right?”

“And not a moment too soon. The old goat reached ninety-six, didn’t he?”

Frank coughed uncomfortably while Rita harumphed indignantly. “Have you no respect?”

“For him or you?” Fanny couldn’t help herself. A lifetime had passed and nothing had changed between them. “I’m sorry. You’ve come a long way. Can I offer you some tea or coffee?”

“Thanks,” Frank said. “That would be terrific.” 

They tumbled awkwardly into the kitchen and Fanny sat them down before preparing coffee and opening a box of cookies. “I heard from Jean that he died. He died to me decades ago. After he killed mother.”

“He did no such thing!” Rita exclaimed, her jowls quivering with disgust. “She died of-”

“He might as well have. She was a sad woman who lived in fear and poverty. The stroke was just a final nail.” Again, Fanny wondered how she could be so blunt with people she hadn’t seen in such a long time. No small talk, no reminiscing, no how do you dos, just straight to the train wreck that was their shared past. “How is Nicole? Did she attend college?”

“She is an accountant with a firm in Boston,” Frank beamed. “That’s one thing we did right.”

“Amen,” Fanny muttered. “Soooo…What brings you here today?”

“Father’s will,” Frank stated bluntly.

“Did he write a check to himself as we all thought?”

Frank looked at his fingers. “No. As a matter of fact, he left it all to you. Nine million and change.”

Fanny’s knees felt weak. “You are kidding, right?”

Frank shook his head. 

Rita barked, “You don’t deserve it. We’ve been there the whole time to look after him and where were you? Nowhere to be found, that’s where.”

“Did you say nine million dollars?”

Frank nodded. “That’s what the will said. We could contest it, tie it up for years but you don’t want that, do you? We all deserve a share, wouldn’t you say? Rita and I have a lot of debts and could sure use it. We are still paying off Nicole’s college and the house, you know we still live in Groton, well, the house needs a roof.”

“And Frank hasn’t been able to work because-” Rita cut in.

“What, did you break this time, Frankie? Your lazy bone?”

“That’s not fair. You know I_”

“Skip it. Let’s spend it all on legal fees,” Fanny said cheerfully. “That’ll make a whole slew of lawyers happy. I’ll talk to Miller and we’ll take it from there. His lawyer is still Jack Miller, right?”

Frank and Rita huffed and puffed but couldn’t budge her to even suggest she part with any. They left unsatisfied, just short of threatening her. Rita said as much over her shoulder as a parting shot.

So it went with all the others. Awkwardly showing up on her doorstep like long lost loves, wooing their poor misunderstood sister. And they all left meanly threatening some version of ‘fork it over or else’. It all made Fanny laugh. She and her husband, Sam, were not wealthy but comfortable enough. They gave the impression that the bulk would go to charity. But spending it on lawyers and costs sounded like a good second choice just to piss the siblings off. Father, looking up from the frozen wasteland of hell, was going to get his money’s worth.

In the end she told each one, “I will give it all to whoever can give me the one thing I would really like to have.”

“What is that?” They each asked without a pause for breath.

“You will have to figure that out.  I’ve written it down, sealed it and mailed it to Jack to open in six months. The money will go in escrow until then. You have that long. After that, you can all go visit father in hell.”

This threw the throng into the pow wow of the century. What could Fanny possibly want that millions of dollars couldn’t buy?

“Well, she did say she’d put the whole thing in escrow so she isn’t spending any of it on whatever it is.” That was Andrew, the youngest at forty-six years old, a full head of curly hair and a don’t fuck with me look permanently plastered on his face. “If we pool resources to give her whatever it is, then we can repay it out of the old man’s money and split the rest.”

Jean asked, all innocence and charm, “What if we made it a contest. We can each lay out what we want to make her offers. The winner pays off what we’ve each invested and keeps the balance.”

“Uh, I, uh, don’t know if I agree with that,” John said. He was the kindest of the lot but never had a chance to find himself among the clan. He just went along for the ride. “I uh, mean, what if we don’t have the resources to make any serious purchases.”

“Nothing says you can’t voluntarily pool together and split the proceeds,” Jean said. “But anyone can go it alone too.”

That caveat achieved consensus and the five siblings wrote an agreement, got it notarized and they all signed. It was the last they saw of each other for the full six months. Johnny teamed up with Andrew, as they were always close and did most things together. The other three, George, Jean and Frank talked their respective spouses into going it alone. There was nine million dollars at stake and a one in four chance of winning.

At the end of six months the five siblings had gone broke buying their exorbitant gifts for Fanny. She was the new owner of a great sailboat, a pair of round the world tickets, a fully paid domestic servant for 12 months, and a certificate as the donor of a generous sum to an animal charity of her choosing. The total cost: over two hundred thousand bucks. Each of these gifts was calibrated on what they remembered of Fanny in the distant past. She loved the sea, took care of stray animals and raised several dogs, collected travel brochures but never managed to get away, and lived surrounded by a mess that she used to complain she could never keep up with. One of them was bound to hit home and they were salivating to see which guess was closest. They were convinced that close would earn the cigar even if it wasn’t exact.

Gathered at the lawyer’s office on the day of the unveiling they were surprised and a bit apprehensive that Fanny and Sam weren’t there. The lawyer greeted them all and, noting their eager discomfort, rambled on a bit with small talk while fingering the well sealed folder. Finally, he said, “Well, let’s see who has the luck of the Irish.” and pulled the string through the cardboard strip of the sealed document envelope. Inside was a single letter envelope which he slit open with a pen knife. Unfolding the paper he read it to himself and with a slim smile and a shake of his head he tossed it out on the desk for them to read. 

They all jumped forward. Frank snatched it up and read aloud.

“An apology.”